Decided to get a little personal on the blog today! A little over two years ago, I lost my Dad unexpectedly. If you knew my dad, you may remember that he was unlike any other Dad. Due to his job, he was mostly a stay at home parent and participated in everyday activities with me. We were two peas in a pod, best friends and ultimately very similar individuals who adored each other.
A few things I remember fondly…
1. He used to drive me to school each morning and we would sing Madame Sousatska on the way to my elementary school. We would always be late, but I will always remember these moments.
2. He always chaperoned on field trips. One time we driving back from either a pumpkin patch or a Christmas tree farm (cannot seem to remember). We stopped for ice cream and one of the kids did not know how to eat an ice cream cone. My dad pulled the car over and shoved a trashcan under her arm as the whole thing dripped everywhere. It was one of the most hilarious field trips and my dad handled it with charm, wit and most of all kindness!
3. My dad worked in fashion… the apple certainly does not fall far from the tree! When he would go to trade shows, he would bring back kids gowns for church outfits for me. Needless to say, I was the best dressed kid east of the Mississippi.
4. More memories to come.
I hope this post can help other people during difficult time of their life. Keep in mind each person is unique in their own way and cope with tragedy differently. Feel free to reach out with any questions or comments you may have.
1. You are not alone. When someone passes away, I feel as though the attention usually goes to the spouse. My mom, having been married to my Dad for 42 years, was definitely the main focus. My friends didn’t really know what to say, her friends were focused on her, and ultimately other family members were focused on themselves losing a loved one too. Just remember, people do care and you will get through this.
2. Remember the fond memories. The memories shared above are just some of many that I have either bookmarked in my head or written down. I want to always remember the great things about my Dad and work hard everyday to remember him. At first I must admit, I tried to forget him. It was harder to laugh and cry than to just ignore! Now I can’t get enough of those memories.
3. Understand that it is a process. Each day was a different journey. I remember having to go back to work after everything happened. I cried on my way to work (where we had our last phone call), at my desk (where my mom told me the bad news), when I ate at Super Duper burgers in SF (where my dad and I ate a great meal after apartment searching). I actually eventually took another job in a different city to avoid these day to day reminders. Not such a great move career wise, but overall my move away from SF made me a stronger person all around. I was able to focus on what I really wanted in life and not just coping with the memories.
4. No one will replace your lost loved one. For quite some time, I tried to get my lost relationship with my dad through the relationship with my mom. Unfairly, I expected her to be both the nurturing mother she was, but also the supportive, caring and sweet dad that I missed daily. I eventually learned that my relationship with my mom was always going to be just that. When I realized this, I had to mourn the loss of such a great relationship.
5. Avoid alcohol when sad. This is a tough one. I will be the first to admit that I love wine. I feel like Maya Rudolph reenacting Oprah’s famous “I love bread” skit. I would be surrounded by wine daily… white or red, sparkling or not… I just love wine. I did have to distance myself from this heavenly liquid. I tended to get sad when I was out with friends, which honestly makes no sense. Lesson learned… drink wine in a quiet setting and one (or two) glasses will be plenty to have some fun and relax while watching TGIT.
6. Use the loss as a restart button for your life. This is still a work in progress for me. I will admit that I started avoiding more bullshit situations after this loss. After leaving SF, I realized that I hated working for people with a lack of passion. My boss had not passion for fashion and honestly never was really knowledgable at her position. We naturally butted heads and it eventually resulted in me quitting. I started Overcast Stitch for a way to cope. I also realized during this journey that ultimately I want to own a clothing brand so that I can use both my business sense and passion for creativity… More on that to follow. With that said, when I do own a clothing company it will all be in memory of my father, who taught me everything I know…
7. Hold onto one personal item. This one is a tough one. Most of my fathers belongings are with my mom as they should be. I will admit that I have actually kept a fleece jacket of my dads that he left in my car or apartment. I never gave it back and now I just cannot part with it. I will admit to watching TV while wearing it just to feel a part of his world again. Keep something that will remind you of the good times and that will act as a source of comfort.
8. Get a dog. This seems like a bold move, but trust me, it helps drastically. When my dad died, I was more lonely than ever. It took me about 4 months to realize that a dog would be the perfect decision. Let’s just say Petfinder.com is a dangerous place… especially when new litters of perfectly white dogs appear. More on Mr. Charlie later. Surprised he has yet to make a blog appearance yet!
9. Visit their place of rest. My dad is actually by the church my mom still attends. This is ultimately the most easy situation as I frequent his niche often. I try to always put my hand there to just feel some of his spirit or energy.. not that I necessarily believe in all of that, but I will say, it is a comfort.
10. Channel their opinions as your own, but still form some of yours too! This is a big one. I am so similar to my dad that we usually felt the same way about every individual. Neither of us, had a great number of friends but held the selected few near and dear. When I meet new people, I try to imagine what my dad would say and if he would like them. I think this will play a significant role when I settle down.
Cheers,
Maggie
PS I still miss him everyday!
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